when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
