i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
