I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
