Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
