I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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