I am spending my child support on dildos
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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