you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
