Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
