Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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