Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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