my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
