If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
