then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
