Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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