She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
