i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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