after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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