i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
