Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
