i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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