WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
