Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
