Got a toothbrush?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
