Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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