she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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