I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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