my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
