This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
