I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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