I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
