So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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