My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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