My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
