We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
