I think i peed on brittanys purse
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
