you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
