My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
