Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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