I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
