We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
