Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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