last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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