Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
