eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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