im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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