why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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