woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
