Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
