Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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