i was born a porn star she said
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
