how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
