dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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